50 Shades of Saye

The other day I received this question from one of my followers, “I was wondering what first got you in to FemDom and Pegging”. Because it isn’t the first time I’ve been asked this question, I figured I’d answer it here on my blog.

First of all, I don’t think there’s anything that “got me into” FemDom. It’s just who I am. I didn’t wake up one day and decided I want to be like this. As a matter of fact, I think life would be a lot easier if I were simply vanilla. It’d be a lot more boring too.

The “rules of engagement" within bdsm come natural to me (safe, sane and consensual play, always trust and protect your partner(s), be open & honest and communicate, don’t hide your past etc.). But the “rules” of vanilla’s are just confusing to me (don’t talk to or laugh with someone from the opposite sex other than your partner, never talk to someone’s ex, the past is the past, etc.).

It’s not easy to find a suitable partner in bdsm who is into the things you’re into and vice versa. The bdsm world has such a broad variety of tricks and treats that it’s really hard to find someone who enjoys the same things in the same way.

Also, society is still very much about men in control and women following. No, this is not some kind of “society is based on bad patriarchal conventions”. It’s just the way it is. Even in the bedroom, a majority of men seems to be dominant, or wanting to be in control, and women mostly want to submit and be conquered in the bedroom. Even from my sub/switch male friends I hear that they consistently encounter (vanilla) girls who turn out to be submissive bed partners.

So being dominant and taking control of a situation is considered a masculine trait.

And here I am. A woman who likes to wear high heels and dresses. Whose nails are done - most of the time. A woman who likes to feel safe around a man. A woman who deeply cares for those around her. But who is also dominant and wants/needs to be in control. A woman who loves to tie someone up and tease them, peg them, slap them and sometimes even hurt them.

Out in the “real” world, I love that masculine alpha male. Someone who isnt a push over. A man who has a mind of his own. Who tells me “we’re going to this restaurant” or “I would like to see that movie” instead of “erm…. gee… eh… I dunno… where do you wanna go tonight?”. A man who will hold the door because he appreciates me, even though we both know I’m strong and smart enough to open a damn door. Who will take my coat, so Im not left struggling as though Im trying to escape from a straitjacket (that would be something he can do when we’re home).

But in the bedroom I love to see a side of him that no one else sees. No one else knows about. No one would expect.

This side of him bends over for me, so I can take them like a man. Or I tie him up and tease him, or hurt him. Whatever I feel feel like doing that moment.

I love it when he surrenders. When he goes the extra mile to please me - mentally and physically. I love to see the desperation in his eyes when he’s told to do something he’s rather not do. And I melt a little bit when he does it, even if it is with hesitation. To feel his body shake, see his eyes roll and hear his muffled moans as I give him pleasure and/or inflict pain. The fear in his eyes when he’s got nowhere to go and he looks into my eyes to see the wicked bitch has arrived. That mix of love and hate in his eyes when I hurt him and he doesn’t like it, but he does like it. Him moaning and begging to please stop Miss, no please continue. To have him surrender and to see absolute trust in his eyes makes my knees weak and my heart skip a beat.

This is between me and him.

And all those things, that type of intimacy, that dedication, that’s what vanilla’s don’t see. Bdsm and FemDom aren’t about let’s try something kinky, the way vanilla’s want to try kinky stuff for the sake of “ooooh, we’re doing something kinky!”.

FemDom is part of who I am. I never “discovered” it, or “entered the magical world of bdsm”. I was already dominant in my first relationship, when I was still a teenager. Yes, I do discover new things as time goed by. And today I do things I never thought of doing when I started.

But don’t people grow into vanilla sex the same way? Or cooking? We all have a need to eat, and we develop our taste and cooking skills along the way.

Isn’t “being into FemDom” simply who we are, instead of something we choose to be?